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  • Le Wang & Hana Middleton

Advice Column

I eat lunch outside and there are a lot of bugs flying around, is there a way to get them away?

I also eat outside, so I know all about the bugs you speak of. Some of the bees have somehow managed to survive this far into the year. In all honesty, they seem to be doing better than I am. There are also some spiders that have descended gracefully into our food. Chicken with a side of spider legs. Very appetizing, I know.

One way to get rid of them:

  1. Bludgeon the bug with a blunt object. This way, you won’t get your hands stained with evidence!

  2. Make sure you have no witnesses

  3. Bag the body and dispose of it in the nearest trash can along with the weapon

  4. Wipe away the evidence and DNA and clean up the murder scene

  5. Make sure you have a good alibi

My brother keeps bothering me, and I can’t get any homework done. How do I get him to stop bothering me?

Since it’s Christmastime, blast Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” on repeat. If you’re annoyed, he’s going to be annoyed too. After 3 hours tops he will leave you alone. And if you celebrate Christmas, the holiday spirit is an added bonus!

My sister and I have an ugly sweater contest every year for Christmas, and she keeps winning. I don’t know how she keeps making such abominations. Please give me an idea that will get me to win this year!

Here’s an idea that’s easy, cheap, innovative, and sure to appeal to the judge:

  1. Find an old sweater, any old sweater will do

  2. FInd a picture of your sister in your camera roll, make sure you find the ugliest one, and print it out

  3. Tape that picture onto your sweater.

  4. Earn bragging rights.

I don’t have an ID card, and now that it's winter, it gets cold waiting for someone to open the doors for me. How do I remedy this situation without spending money?

Here's a simple skill you can learn to get into the school buildings, well any building really: lock picking! Not only will you not have to buy an ID card, you can use this new-found knowledge to get into your house when you forget your keys. Or you could pick the lock of a bank, and rob it. Use the money from the bank heist to buy yourself a new ID card.*

*Disclaimer: Banks may constitute a risky target, as you will likely end up on the FBI’s Most Wanted list. Consider breaking into an eatery, such as Popeye’s or Dairy Queen, and raid the cash register.

I have a tendency to wait until the last minute to buy holiday gifts for my family. Not only am I broke, but I also have no idea what to buy because the stores are basically empty. What can I do?

The easiest solution to your financial problem would be to use the leftover money from the bank heist you buy your ID card. You could also try going to one of those coin ponds and fishing for quarters!

As for gifts, Troom Troom has many lovely DIY gift ideas you can create out of hot glue and felt!

My family is forcing me to make a gingerbread house for Christmas, but the problem is that everytime I try to make one, it always falls apart. How do I get my gingerbread house to stay?

Gingerbread houses are a classic Christmas dish, and the secret to getting your gingerbread houses to stay upright is glue. Sure it might not taste right, but your family members won’t be able to complain anyway once they partake. Bon appetit!! **

**Disclaimer: Do not consume glue, as doing so poses considerable danger to your health and possibly life:)


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