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  • Writer's pictureMarisa Niedzielska

Bagel Horoscope

Some people believe in astronomy. I only believe in the spiritual power of bagels. Find your favorite bagel to see what your future holds this month.

Everything Bagel:

You will get into your top college this month, and you will get all As in Quarter 2. If you have felt overwhelmed and stressed, go buy an everything bagel and everything will be okay. Just remember not to depend solely on….

Cinnamon Raisin Bagel:

You will be very happy this month. Just like the perfect cinnamon raisin bagel, you will have just the right amount of sweetness in your life. You can expect a lot of presents and happy surprises this month. You may face some conflicts with your friends or family but remember that nothing matters more in life than a cinnamon raisin bagel. If you are feeling down, just get a bagel, because this month, a cinnamon raisin bagel will solve all of your problems.

Plain Bagel:

Your favorite bagel is a lot like the rest of your life, plain, boring, simple. This can be both good and bad at times. This month, you will experience the ups and downs of a plain life. You will face no major upsets this month, but this will make you feel too settled and bored. If you feel like you are missing out on excitement this month, hang out with an Everything bagel person and you can bring some adventure to your life.

Whole Wheat Bagel:

Sadly, this will not be your month. Then again, when you enjoy whole wheat bagels, can you ever really have a good month? Despite all of your hard work and overachieving, you will have disappointing grades in Quarter 2, and your favorite sports teams will not have a good month. Sorry. Maybe find a different favorite bagel and get better luck next month.

Salt Bagel:

Much like Whole Wheat, you will not have a great month. After a lifetime of eating Salt Bagels, you will find that you have a dangerously high blood pressure. However, after this disappointing medical news, you can bring a little joy into your life by reconnecting with a friend you lost touch with. Remember, if you are having times of trouble, salt bagels have shaped your personality, and much like the strong taste of salt when you bite into these high-sodium delicacies, you have the strength to get through your next challenge.

Sesame Bagel:

You will have some good times and some bad times this month. You will receive bad news this month, but remember, it will all get better with time. Remember to breathe and focus on the positive things in your life. Make sure you spend enough time with people that make you feel good, and you will have a great month despite the hardships you may face.

Poppy Bagel:

Just like Salt, you will also experience a medical inconvenience this month. With an alarmingly high quantity of poppy seeds in your blood, you will test positive for many illegal drugs this month. Although this will most definitely cause extreme stress and confusion in your life, at least haven’t tested positive for covid. Yet. Make sure to wear a mask and get tested just in case though.

Onion Bagel:

You will have a good month, but just as your constant onion breath annoys those around you on a daily basis, your good month will not be shared by those around you. Make sure to check in on your friends and family who are having a rough time right now. Remember that your good fortune isn’t the cause of their hard times, but also remember to support others who aren’t doing as well as you.

Asiago Bagel:

Congratulations on having such a unique bagel order! Your courage for continuously being the only person to enjoy these bagels will be rewarded this month. You will be blessed by good news, and you will make a lot of new friends. Remember to stand up for what you believe and speak up when something doesn’t feel right to you. You shouldn’t need this reminder though, because you speak up for asiago bagels every day even when no one else does the same.

Rainbow Bagel:

Just like the many colors in this bagel, your month will be full of chaos. You will have many good times as well as many bad times and many experiences in between. Nothing will seem to be constant, and the only thing you can count on is constant adventure and many new experiences. If you feel you need some more stability, try spending time with a Plain Bagel person. You will balance each other out well.

If your favorite bagel isn’t in this list, it just means that nothing too eventful will happen this month. This can be good because you won’t face any major conflicts, but if you feel bored of your life right now, try a bagel that is on this list, and maybe you can bring some change to your life.


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