• Justin Friedberg

Declaration of the Kids Who Cut the Snack Line

Dear Campus,

Wassup? I am the elected representative of the kids who cut the snack line (also known as the Waste-Your-Time-Nine). We are a sometimes-secret organization whose sole mission is to have conversations in front of the snack line as you wait for your sugary drink and dry David’s cookie in a wet bag. You’re never quite sure if we’re on the line or just hanging out; what you are sure of is that we’re having the time of our lives, throwing back our heads with laughter and jokingly pushing each other around (maybe a little too violently sometimes, but we’ve got the spirit).


The council of the Waste-Your-Time-Nine decided to write this declaration to clear up some uncool rumors. A question we’re constantly asked is: Why are we doing this? Like, haha, we’re not even sure ourselves really lol. Todd (you guys know him I’m sure) thinks it’s to make an intelligent point about legislative stalling in government (nothing ever seems to get done in Washington and, we assume, everywhere else, including unimportant countries that we struggle to pronounce).


But we all agreed that was, like, dumb. So the story goes, we were all standing near the front of the line, joshing each other, and this kid behind us goes, “Are you guys in line?” Of course, we ignore her and just keep going, and when she asks again, we say no and, though it’s not protocol now, we walked just three feet in the other direction so it didn’t look like we were on the line (I carry the shame of that every day). As we stood there in our overly expensive shoes, Chris had a pretty awesome idea: let’s make that our thing. Everyone needs their thing, right?

There are those kids who hold open the door for you even when you’re like a mile away so you’ve gotta do that awkward, little mini-jog to the door; there are the kids who are always running everywhere with their “wheely backpacks” even if it’s eight in the morning, and then there's us!


We have many tactics, but our most used and most successful one is to quickly dash in a pack to the front of the snack line, ignoring everyone as we pass. Another tactic is to have one of our members, usually Margaret, spend a good five to ten minutes asking for things and then telling the person behind the counter that they grabbed the wrong one; and then -- this is the best part -- after Margaret is done, she turns around and joins the conversation as if nothing ever happened! We just stand there. It’s great. We also like to huddle really close to one another making a circle facing inwards, so even if you tried to talk to us (an issue we’re working closely with members of Congress to make illegal) we couldn’t hear you.


Another frequent question we get is: how are you guys so intelligent? I think it has to do with genetics or something (that was a joke, we’re just better than everyone). Anyways, to wrap it up, we wanted to let you all know that the Waste-Your-Time-Nine is here to stay, and exactly in the spot that you want to be in. We hope to expand our operations countrywide and pass on this beautiful and worthwhile mission of ours to the next generation.

  • Chris P. Bacon (that’s not my real name, it’s another joke, we like to have fun)


P.S. Applications are open for memberships as well. All you need to do is record yourself wasting someone's time and send it to our LinkedIn page (if we gain a member, we’ll become the Annoy-You-Every-Now-And-Then-Ten). We can be found at: dondathree@hotmail.com.