Genius Girl Dies of Burnout and Overachiever-Highschool Abuse
I'd like to begin by saying that I have just begun this piece at 9:52pm and will most likely finish a rough draft within thirty-five minutes. My calc assignment, on the other hand, has been relegated to the 12:30-1:00am slot in my schedule, because at Edgemont, we unconditionally adore procrastination.
I also have to finish the second draft of my personal statement for college apps, study for a French quiz, read section 66 of The Lanahan Readings In The American Polity by Ann Serow, take a defensive driving course to lower the insurance rates on my car, and research small organizations that donate reproductive health care items for the Gender Equality club. I am reading these off of my crusted 2021 planner upon which a half-eaten croissant currently lies. The planner is the plate.
If you think that I am abusing this article as a space to trauma dump a self-inflicted workload, you would be absolutely right. At Edgemont, we worship the trauma dumping of workloads.
We conducted a survey amongst the student body to examine Edgemont’s academic mindset. (This is untrue, I am writing this sentence before I have even thought of survey questions.) But I expect that the answers to the following questions will demonstrate Edgemont child-rearing values and practices.
Have you placed a textbook in front of you this week and then subsequently proceeded to open up a social media app instead?
"I haven't read a textbook since the first week of school" -William (‘24)
Have you set multiple timers ranging from 5-7am with five-minute intervals in between this week?
"The strategy is simple: five timers, three minutes apart, with a phone thrown across the floor before I sleep. There's nothing better than full sprinting across your room at five in the morning, and then falling on the floor trying to get your phone before waking somebody else up" -Kasper (‘23)
"I set a few alarms for Saturday morning. None of them went off because my alarm clock is suffering from an identity crisis. I woke up feeling as if a donkey had bust through my window. But the donkey was gone when I sat up. It was a very quick donkey. I think I will also replace my old alarm clock or take it to therapy." -Adele (‘28)
"6:00, 6:15, 6:30, 7:00.... Last time, I woke up at eight." -Juliana (‘25)
Have you or a friend hid in a bathroom this week and tried to connect to the wifi for ten minutes?
"I went to the bathroom during Global Perspectives so I could cry. I then proceeded to play Cookie Run Kingdom for fifteen minutes. This is when I got a 1 star j-hope cookie. I cried again." -Wei (‘25)
"Netflix...I'd get too bored staring at nothing while I poo." -Justin (‘25)
"I often sit in the bathroom for a while trying to turn on a vpn. Wait, nevermind. I’m not supposed to have one." -Anonymous (‘26)
"If you ask for this thing, your teachers will see you as a lazy piece of garbage who procrastinates. You are ruined." -Wei (‘25)
"I feel like I've disappointed my teachers when I have to ask for one, especially when they turn it into a moment to lecture me on the importance of time management and a healthy balance of classes as if I'm not already trying my hardest." -Anonymous (‘25)
"Lies. teachers never give them." -Florin (‘23)
"APUSH, from what I've seen" -Daniel (‘27)
"How I feel twenty four-seven." -Lindsay (‘25)
"Me" -Julia (‘23)
Define "participation points"
"Please-just-pretend-you-like-this-class-to-get-the-points" -Seren (‘26)
"Bulls**t. introverts suffer." -Florin (‘23)
The only thing I claim to know about analyzing statistics is that the sample size for this "study" is repulsively small. We received about 60 responses, a stunning 7% of the student body. At Edgemont, we enjoy reading blast emails and issuing a curt nod to the surveys attached. Thus, I decline from conducting any such study, as it would prove statistically insignificant.
I would like to conclude this article with some dialogue recently noted in a text group chat:
J: *sends picture of half-finished but finely detailed painting*
M: gorgeous !!
J: tysm but it's taking me forever
M: whenever u do end up finishing it'll be gallery worthy
J: if I don't die of exhuastion by then
wait no then i't'll be even more famous
the troubled artist's final (incomplete) work
M: well the beautiful die young
Y: most artists get famous after they die anyway
M: "genius girl dies after burn out and overachiever high school abuse"
Y: that would sell so well
We love this school with all our dehydrated souls and expect to be appropriately weepy on the day of graduation. Pre-pandemic students may fondly remember how the panini maker in the cafeteria (before the days of gym-cafeteria and crowds-of-homeless-seventh-graders-eating-on-breezeways) would routinely set off the fire alarm. Two months into this year, the impressive six fire truck visits we've had (blamed again, on our dear panini maker) serve as a reminder that we are beginning to return to normalcy. At Edgemont, we absolutely adore mocking our school, and by extension, the crammed schedules we perpetuate. At Edgemont, we systematically preface all of our text conversations with a "Dude, I'm so dead." We will, despite popular opinion, miss this place at least a little, I think.