• Jennifer Bortner

How to Figure Out Your Schedule

With every August, comes EHS students frantically searching for their class schedules. Parents wonder why the schedule comes out so late, while students pray they have class with their friends. This year especially, the long awaited hybrid schedule looks a little different than usual. Luckily for us, with a few minor steps, it is incredibly easy to use. To help out, here is a simple four-step guide to figuring out your 2020-2021 EHS class schedule:


Step One: Retrieving Your Schedule From the Infinite Campus Abyss

Due to the horrific Infinite Campus Crash of August 2020 that devastated hundreds of EHS students, a flawless method was developed to mitigate the effects of the damage. To access your schedule, you must first contact your most tech-savvy friend who knows what things like URL’s mean and don’t get scared when their teacher says a project will be fun for those who have done graphic design. When your friend arrives, have them collect the tears of one college applicant (it works better if you’re the applicant) to sprinkle atop a printed error message which reveals your schedule in invisible ink.


Step Two: Finding the Guru

You will notice that each course has two digits listed in parentheses which correspond to the code for an underground safe which holds the EHS stash of David’s Cookies. Since the cafeteria is closed for the year, the extra cookies were delivered to a top-secret location in the depths of the mythical EHS underground tunnels. Take one batch of cookies and deliver it to the address on the note inside the safe.


When you arrive at the specified location, you will find one EHS Phys-Ed teacher awaiting your arrival. Once you hand the person the cookies, he or she will send you on a quest to walk 10,000 steps, using the EHS-perfected RunKeeper™ app to track you. See how simple this is?


Step Three: Unlocking the Code

After you have taken your ten thousandth step, the app will unlock a new level and reveal the time and location of your first class of the year. Yay! One period down, only eight more to go. For the other eight periods, simply figure out the phases of the moon for each day of the school year. From there, use the order in which your classes are listed on your schedule and correlate it to the order in which each different phase of the moon appears. Once you have done that, you know what classes appear on what days based on what phase the moon will be in that night.


Step 4: Optional Alternative

Still confused? There is an alternative way to unlock your schedule. After you receive the time and location of your first class, you should buy eight cans of paint and pick a color for each of your other classes. Then, blindfolded, pick up each can of paint and pour it onto a blank canvas. The order in which the paint appears should be the order of your classes. Statistically, we have demonstrated that in the zero times this has been done it has worked 100% of the time.


Overall: It’s Simple

I know what you’re thinking, that’s it? Yes. With these four incredibly easy steps, you will have your EHS hybrid schedule down for the rest of the year. Any questions?