• Zoe Schuldrenfrei

Report Cards

Report cards have recently come out, and I’d like to clear the air. What do our teachers really mean when they write their “end-of-the-quarter feedback”? There isn’t nearly enough room in those tiny rectangles to express just how brilliant our teachers think we are. How come they always say the same exact thing? Do they just cut and paste? Campus has decided to start an investigation to reach the bottom of this vital matter.

Below are some examples of teacher comments we uncovered, along with the real meaning behind them.


*Please note, all names have been changed, to protect the privacy of our students and teachers*


Comment: Sam, continues to work hard in English; shows a thorough understanding of literature.


Decoded: I'm sorry- my name’s not Sam. I'm not even in the same English class as Sam.


Comment: Student continues to submit outstanding homework and other assignments on time.


Decoded: Remember that time your teacher kept your homework as an example for future Honors Geometry classes? They, um, actually spilled their coffee on it, and it was unsalvageable. They still feel bad about that. Sorry.


Comment: Student is often late to class, but make useful points during the discussion.


Decoded: Yes, they saw your instagram story. The powers that be know you're at Long Island Bagel Cafe, not at a doctor's appointment.


Comment: Student frequently misses class.


Decoded: Do you even go to Edgemont anymore? We haven’t seen you in weeks. Maybe it’s the mask.


Comment: Student, is consistently responsible. A pleasure to have in class.


Decoded: ​​No growth whatsoever.


Comment: Commended for effort.

Decoded: You’re literally at rock bottom.


Comment : Had a strong finish to this semester. Keep up the hard work throughout this next one.


Decode: They know the only reason you came in for extra help those last few weeks was for the B+ to A- boost.


Comment:


Decode: Teacher is watching football. He or she sent a detailed grade sheet home to your parents. Please sign and return.