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  • Writer's pictureJennifer Bortner

Trumping the Inauguration

Every four years or so, the American people look forward to electing a new president and the subsequent event of the season: ✩The Inauguration✩. One tradition of the inauguration is that the previous president will attend the event to ensure a peaceful transition of power; however, this administration is special and, unfortunately, former President Donald J. Trump did not participate in the inauguration of President Joseph R. Biden. So, what was the former president doing that was so utterly important that he could not attend the event? What “trumps” the inauguration? Well, the press release only gives a vague idea of Trump’s schedule, so I took the liberty of planning the stressful day for him.

8:00 am According to CNN, Mr. Trump and The First Lady must leave for Palm Beach at this hour. However, to part, and so President Biden will not have to deal with the plethora of diet cokes in Trump’s collection, the cans will be paraded through the White House on silver platters in one final salute to Trump and his family. In addition, breakfast will be sponsored by McDonald’s and Chick-Fil-A. While not a breakfast person, Mr. Trump will still be served his traditional McDonald’s order: two Big Macs, two Filet-O-Fishes, and a large chocolate milkshake (no I am not exaggerating, this is his traditional order). The meal will be served aptly on some of the finest White House china. I would suggest Mary-Todd Lincoln’s choice with its unique purple border with regal gold circles lining the edges. After all, Mr. Trump quite frequently relates his time in Washington to Lincolns’ tenure, and this would be a final homage to one of his favorite presidents. Then, Mr. Trump and The First Lady will say quick goodbyes to their staff that love them infinitely, and board Air Force One before the Inauguration Day festivities begin.

10:00 am After getting settled on the plane, Mr. Trump will catch up on the news updates he missed. To calm him after an anxious morning, I would suggest a poetry reading. In the same vein as an inaugural poem, a couple of political personas took the liberty of writing some haikus for Mr. Trump to read on the flight. My favorites are shown below:

Rudy Guliani’s

It is a dark day

The sun sets on Washington

Pardon me, Donald

Senator Ted Cruz’s

Happy golfing, sir

We did our best to contest

I am still sad though

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s

You won’t be missed

I’ve enjoyed the impeachment

Haha. haha. bye.

11:00 am Soon after that calming poetry reading, Mr. Trump will arrive at Palm Beach. After a few obligatory landing photos, Mr. Trump and The First Lady will situate themselves in Mar-A-Lago. At the resort, Mr. Trump will distract himself from the inauguration ceremony by talking to his pet birds in two-hundred and eighty character bursts as makeshift “tweets.” This will occur in the new private wing of the resort devoted entirely to allowing Mr. Trump to express his ideas in lieu of social media accounts.

2:00 pm Mr. Trump then hopes to go golfing. He will drive his lucky golf cart in which it has been said he came up with some of his most famous campaign promises. One source says Mr. Trump thought of his revolutionary idea to build a wall during one outing where many of his golf balls were flying off the course. Mr. Trump saw that he needed a higher wall at the course to keep them on the property the property and then had the epiphany to make that the basis of his immigration policy.

6:00 pm At this hour, Melania Trump is obligated to finally have her moment of peace. She will be leading a resort meditation, which promises to be full of healing and relaxation She also became the face of a new dental practice, which is excited to showcase their work on Inauguration Day, expecting many many smiles from her.

10:00 pm Mr. Trump will end his day with a quick news wrap up, one more visit to the pet birds to make some late night tweets, and an early bedtime. Afterall, not attending the inauguration is quite exhausting.

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