• Daniel Bench

What Do Students Really Do During Online School?

Recently it has come to the school nurse’s attention that students are experiencing blurred vision and headaches because of the repetitive online classes. The blurred vision and headaches are causing some students to hallucinate. We would like to suggest too much screen time as a likely cause. However, we hesitate to render a diagnosis when it remains a complete mystery what students actually do during online school. Some may actually be working, some may be playing video games or watching other people play video games, or just sleeping.


Here are some notable quotes from the children:

“I had just signed off online class and I had a dream, almost a premonition, about the end of the world. Donald Trump was plastered everywhere and he controlled everything. However, this did not compare to the horror of seeing Mr. Brewster putting books in the wrong sections,” one confused student said.


Sometimes, students are hallucinating about their very own teachers and they could not be weirder.

“Once I saw myself in a zombie apocalypse and I was surrounded. Zombies were inching closer waiting to bite off my head and feast on my brains. Then out of nowhere I see Mr. Hansonbrook fall from the skies and easily defeat the zombies with his amazing sword skills.” a star-struck Latin student exclaims.


“You should have seen this!! I saw Mrs. Merlini dunking on Mr. Alter from the FREE THROW LINE. It was incredible.” (For this one, the student knew it was obviously false.)


“To try and avoid these visions, I try to imagine myself on campus, my favorite place on campus. I usually think of the lunchroom because that’s where I hangout with my friends. But the visions are inevitable. I just end up seeing teachers doing ridiculous things,” a teenager remarks, shaking their head.


“Sometimes I see Sr. Thoren shapeshift into a black cat, walk into my house, get rid of the mice problem, and then see him shapeshift out of a black cat and back into Sr. Thoren.”


“There was one time where I saw Mr. Hosier playing in the PGA tour, and he won the US Open. Then I woke up and Mr. Hosier was standing right there, watching me sleep through class. I for sure thought I was suspended.”


Some students informed us that they’d even started having visions during the seven-minute break between classes: “I’d be having a quick break from Mr. Scalley’s Chemistry class and then bam, I’m watching a zombie apocalypse and then seeing Mr. Weitzman lighting Hanukkah candles.”


Some students get very distracted and have some very interesting ways of passing time and avoiding school work.


“Sometimes I get so bored during class, I try to calculate the cost of a 75 minute class at New York University. One semester’s worth of tuition at NYU costs $26,502. There are 15 weeks of classes in a semester, meaning that you pay about $1,766.8 per week. Assuming you take 15 credits, that means you’re in class for 12.5 hours (or 750 minutes) each week, resulting in a cost of about $141.34 per hour, or $2.36 per minute. Thus, a 75 minute class costs approximately $177.00 in tuition,” said a senior going to NYU.


The district is trying to mandate xanzolam to try and help students focus better. There does not seem to be any chance of ending online school anytime soon. This is going to be the future of education.