Keeping Up With the Quardashians
Welcome to second quarter: it’s the end of the “easy” period and home to frigid walks from class to class and a healthy dose of seasonal depression. In the words of Kim K: “tragic.” From cramming for finals to weeks of completing mundane homework assignments, our four quarters have it all. Do you want a hint of anxiety in that, ma’am? The facade of a positive future? No, Kim, we don’t have any oat milk.
Knowing the student body, I’m sure that many of you have resorted to the endless pit of Keeping Up With the Kardashians clips in an attempt to de-stress, procrastinate, or quiet the endless pit of despair during the school year. Somehow, even with their chaos, it’s impossible not to feel a strange sense of connection to these faraway stars when they indulge in an overpriced salad or shout at their family from across their $70 million mansion.
Even though they may collectively be made of more plastic than the Pacific Ocean contains, on occasion the personalities of the Kardashians (and Jenners) genuinely shine through in the same way that our teachers’ do after a few weeks or so of giving us the illusion of an enjoyable year. As subsequent school quarters arrive, the similarities between Edgemonters and the Kardashians only grow. Never before have I needed so badly for someone to scream at me “There’s people that are dying!” as I cry over the latest Geometry test. So, without further ado, here are the four quarters of the school year compared to your four favorite reality TV celebrities.
First Quarter: Khloé
The first quarter is a period of humble beginnings, new experiences, tans darker than any of the Kardashians can get from their tanning beds, and holes in your knowledge that make you wonder if this is what it feels like to have plastic seep into your brain. It’s okay, Khloé, I also don’t know what 100 minus 7 is or who the last three presidents were. There’s new teachers, new students, and new friends if you’re lucky. Being a summer away from meaningful social interaction makes you wish that you could inherit Khloé’s “bubbly and optimistic” personality that “draws people in”.
However, as the runner-up to best quarter of school (as voted by our survey participants), clearly there’s some merit in the optimism shown on peoples’ faces as they return to campus. The reasons for the positive rating ranged from the lack of work to “you aren’t sad yet”. My personal favorite is “beginning anything is easy.” Still, going from sleeping until noon to having to make it to school by 8:25 can be a struggle for many, and the introduction back into the world of homework and tests can jar even the most steadfast among us. Plus, the lack of good cell phone service within school walls makes you truly understand what Khloé means when she says, “you’re gonna die anyway, die with a good Snapchat going through”.
Second Quarter: Kim
The current quarter comes with holiday lights and the adored winter break, which includes some of our favorite celebrations. Winter break is also when work begins to pile up, the novelty of fraternizing with classmates and teachers quickly wears off, and the stretches of breakless school before and after winter break leave you feeling parched. Not to mention the two worst months of the year, January (sorry Chicago, your mom can do a lot of things, but I don’t think she can make your birth month any less torturous) and February, arrive without bringing any of the major holidays. Being voted runner-up to the worst quarter of school, this quarter is pretty thoroughly disliked by Edgemont students. Still, by this time, most people (I won’t say everyone because I definitely haven’t) have gotten into the groove with academics as they start to get used to five hours of sleep a night. Like the most iconic Kardashian, Kim, the dedication and confidence levels within you skyrocket, even if you may just be faking that you know what you’re doing (please someone explain what a “sig fig” is). To the rest of you, especially the people using this article as a way to ignore your seventeen assignments due at 11:59 tonight: “Get your f****** ass up and work!” (Kim 2022).
Third Quarter: Kourtney
This quarter is the devil. It's like mixing Redbull with gasoline and calling it a delicacy. As one Edgemont student explained rather eloquently, “depresso espresso time and stuff gets mentally challenging because finals are coming up and classes are just as hard as ever…if not harder.” The third quarter is when the realization that “there’s a lot wrong with me” (Kourtney Kardashian) starts to set in. The only good thing that can be said about this quarter is that it’s when spring starts to bloom, which is beautiful for all my fellow normal people (to those with allergies, sucks to suck). Still, third quarter is unfortunately situated in the middle of the year. With the long journey ahead, you have to keep reminding yourself not to kick someone in the face. Like our beloved Kourtney (who also struggles with these urges), this is the time when students wish they could become “meticulous hard workers” who are always busy doing something. Students should definitely stay diligent, as this quarter has a ton of work and often contains important information for finals. And throughout the entire quarter, like Kourtney in the presence of her equally abominable sisters, the unattainable goal I wish I could achieve is to “surround myself with positive vibes.”
Fourth Quarter: Kylie
The cult-favorite and culmination of this hell-flavored (oat milk, shaken) smoothie: fourth quarter. Unsurprisingly, this quarter was voted best by a large margin, simply for being when school ends. After all, the sun begins to rise somewhere beyond the California campus and smiles return to peoples’ faces. Pajama pants are ditched for summer outfits. Tests are getting easier, and teachers are in the best moods. All that is left is finals (which everyone crams for anyway), and then the summer appears and opens a new world. Really, there isn’t much not to like. Suddenly, despite months of earlier doubt, like the successful businesswoman Kylie Jenner, there seems to be a chorus of the same five words: “there is nothing I can’t do”. Hopefully, you have learned from the three previous quarters’ mistakes and can use this quarter to really home in on your academics to eventually become an actually functioning member of society. Maybe you won’t get headlined as the “World’s Youngest Self-Made Billionaire” holding the hands of your family members whose names are more famous than most presidents, but you can still be something. After all, like Kylie said about 2016, this is “the year of realizing stuff”.
Just like the four quarters of school, the Kardashians are all beautifully crafted rebrands of the same waxy plastic. While I wouldn’t recommend spending very long with any of them, they definitely have aspects that create an interesting mix of stress, excitement, and manic crying. These same features are a large part of the high school experience, and their incredibly trivial problems and affluence help us escape our own struggles, both academic and personal. With a combination of three APs, two honors classes and five extracurriculars, maybe you won’t be saying “thank God I have no friends” like Kourtney, but, look on the bright side: when it’s over, you’ll get to do it all again next year.