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  • Writer's pictureAmanda Jaffe

College Satire

Like clockwork year after year the junior class become the next Sherlock Holmes. The location of their friends' spring break destination and schools near that vicinity is already written down in their notes app. The question of “what did you get on your SAT/ACT?”, “What score did they get?” echoes through the streets of Edgemont.

“what did you get on your SAT/ACT?”

Spreadsheets are filled with approximate GPAs of fellow classmates and their class rank, if they want to go a step farther. If someone’s GPA didn’t get destroyed by AP Bio, then you know they must be at least in the top 30% of the class. Also if someone is all virtual this year, you can guarantee they have all A’s.

Finding out someone’s dream school is like solving a murder case. There are, of course, the main suspects: schools that parents went to or siblings go to, schools that recent Edgemont graduates attend, schools with school spirit because we all know Edgemont’s school spirit is non-existent. You also can’t forget the schools that will cost a light $80,000 a year, but parents are happy to pay that price so they can put the sticker on the back of their car and brag to all their friends that their kid goes to this school.

California can be crossed off the list for most kids, since helicopter parenting is no longer an option if their kid is thousands of miles away. After all this research every junior has his or her complete list of fellow classmates' potential Naviance dots. Speaking of Naviance, every junior has already tried to figure out which upperclassmen are which dot. The graphs consist of mainly red Xs since ‘safety schools’ at this point are no longer even safeties.

Another big area for competition among Edgemont students is recommendations.

Coming up soon is the race to ask your teachers before too many others do. To all the kids who have actually talked and kept their camera on in class this year, congratulations, you might actually have a half decent recommendation. Some junior teachers have been rumored to not be able to tell their students apart. If you are one of those students maybe ask a different teacher, one who actually knows your name.

The planning for the Common App essay has also already begun. A few juniors have been spotted trying to fake being hit by cars so that they have something interesting to write about. Instead of insurance fraud we now have college fraud, or as others call it “The Olivia Jade”. “The Olivia Jade” or not-so-athletic-athlete is what most Edgemont students unintentionally do when they write that they played sports on their college applications, since most of our sports teams either do not cut players and can’t even make it one round into the postseason.

Maybe if Edgemont reinstated their bowling team, we would actually have a recruited athlete. To add to their list of activities, Juniors are rushing to start clubs or begging seniors for their spot as president next year. After all, scrolling through Tiktok for hours on end does not count as an extracurricular activity.

Recently with the commencement of junior college meetings, the pressure is starting to mount from parents and guidance counselors about creating a list of where you want to go. The task seems nearly impossible since almost every campus is closed to students.

Don’t worry though, there are always virtual tours! You can make your list based on the hour long seminar which shows pictures of a college’s three nicest buildings. I’m sure parents won’t mind spending $80,000 on some school they have never actually seen in person.

However, all of this stress, time, and effort will pay off when your friends make a “She’s going to….” or “X school isn’t ready to meet my best friend” Instagram story. And for parents, I’m sure Amazon has the car decal sticker no matter where your kid attends.


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