Edgemont is an interesting place, to say the least. So in order to write this article, we surveyed Edgemont students for funny experiences and created letters based off of them.
Disclaimers: These are not real letters written by real EHS students, but some of them are inspired by real struggles students face on campus. And please do not take this advice seriously. This is completely satire, and following our suggestions will most likely ruin your life.
Dear Edgemont Advice,
I have a lot of classes in the D building this year. It's already not that great because it's swarming with screaming seventh and eighth-graders between every class and smells questionable. I have appointed myself a regular time to go to the bathroom every day to make sure I don’t miss anything important during class. Recently though, whenever I take my usual bathroom break, I end up missing more of class than I’d like because every single D building bathroom, upper and lower, is occupied. I don’t know who’s in there or what they're doing that takes so long, but it always happens. I end up waiting forever (because when you have to go, you have to go!) and when one finally opens and I can use it, it's been fifteen minutes. I’m sure my teacher is suspicious. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Impatiently Holding It
Dear Impatiently,
We understand your plight more than anything. It is really a suspicious situation when all four bathrooms in the D building are occupied. We often wonder if there are bathroom ghosts who turn all the locks to occupied at a certain time during the day. Or maybe they are just students trying to avoid class. Our best advice to you is for you to do one of three things. One, make the most of your waiting time. You can probably get some homework done while waiting. Get in your daily workout by doing some sprints down the hallway. Or maybe help a seventh-grader print something. Another thing you could do is just change your bathroom schedule! Go in between classes — oh, wait. I guess you can’t, since you might be late for your next class. Okay, then go during lunch — oh wait. No one ever has to go during lunch…oh well! Find some other time you can relieve yourself. Now, your third option is the most promising. Whenever you need to use the bathroom, take your ID with you. If all four bathrooms are occupied, you know what to do: run to another building and use the bathroom there. It's another great way to get your daily workout in! If those bathrooms are occupied …looks like you're out of luck. It's fine, though, because there is a chance that the toilet was not flushed, so at least you avoided that sight!
Sincerely,
Edgemont Advice
Dear Edgemont Advice,
I’ve forgotten my ID card a couple of times before, but yesterday was a real problem for me. I woke up really early to make it to extra help at 7:30 AM, but I realized I forgot my lanyard, so I went to the office to get a sticker. The problem was that I missed my extra help because I could not open the doors until someone showed up. I then ended up failing my test and, well, it all went downhill from there. What should I do next time?
Sincerely,
Locked Out In The Cold
Dear Locked Out,
Believe us when we say we’ve been stuck in that situation many times before. Our advice is to never forget your ID card because that solves all your problems. If this is difficult, we recommend never taking it off in your life, and you should be fine. However, on the off chance that this doesn’t work, always (I repeat always) text a friend to let you in. I can assure you that it will take too long to wait for someone that early in the morning, and it is not worth it to drag some stranger across campus to open the door for you. We recommend stocking up on candy and gift cards to bribe your friends into waking up at the crack of dawn to let you into a building. However, if you run out of materials to bribe them with, and no one is willing to come, your last option is to ask a faculty member to let you in (probably the most reasonable option when you think about it, too).
Sincerely,
Edgemont Advice
Dear Edgemont Advice,
My biggest problem is the lack of wifi and air conditioning. It’s not as much of a problem now, but back in September I was dying from the excruciating heat, and I didn’t know how to focus on my classes anymore. And the wifi! I can maybe get one bar in the library if it’s a good day, but otherwise, no luck! What am I supposed to do?
Please help,
Incredibly frustrated
Dear Incredibly,
First of all, we are just going to assume that you are a seventh-grader, because these are some of the biggest and oldest problems in Edgemont. We wish we could help you get around this issue, but the truth is, most of us just suffer through it and complain in very long surveys the school sends out.
As for the air conditioning, trust us when we say that everything gets ten times worse in late May and June. Here are some potential solutions for people desperate enough: 1) Bring a portable fan to school (you will thank us later), 2) Sneak out to the library during your classes; it is always air-conditioned, 3) Take every excuse to go to the bathroom and splash yourself with cold water, proceed to show up sopping wet to class to prove a point, and wait for the school to catch on that there may be a problem with this system.
As for the wifi, we can get around that. I think everyone knows about this, but downloading a VPN is honestly the only way to access Snapchat or Instagram or whatever it is that you want to do with the internet. On the other hand, depending on how strong your LTE is, it hasn’t been a problem for us. What not to do: join Edgemont Guest Wifi . . . that is a terrible idea. Nothing works and we swear it's collecting our data. Joining Consortium on your phone is a little bit better but still pretty slow. As long as you're not that one kid who climbed on top of the breezeway to get reception, you're fine.
Sincerely,
Edgemont Advice
Dear Edgemont Advice,
Help. I was inside of Chipotle the other day, just ordering my burrito bowl with extra guac and a side of sour cream, when I saw people in my grade. They were in a big, noisy group, and I was grabbing some takeout for me and my parents, wearing a ratty t-shirt and sweatpants. They were acquaintances for the most part, so I didn’t fully know them, but I see them around school. But the worst part was that one of them was my neighbor. Let’s just say it was the most mortifying experience of my life. They heard my entire, long order. I looked at them, and we all sort of made eye contact, and then I just left because I didn’t know whether to say hi. Then I saw them all again at school the next day. How fun. Please send help immediately.
Sincerely,
Extremely Mortified
Dear Extremely Mortified,
We understand. The amount of times we have seen people in our grade at ShopRite, CVS, Starbucks, or around the village is crazy since we assumed that everyone just disappeared after school. But in the rare case you have to associate with someone outside of our school’s sanctuary, here is our advice. If you do not know the person very well, avoid eye contact at all costs. That’s right, you heard us. No making eye contact. No acknowledging their existence. None of that. Unless you know them well enough to say something, the best option is to pretend that you didn’t see them.
Though, let’s be honest, when someone we know from school shows up, it’s like an alarm goes off in our brains, so we know they are there. If you are an overthinker like each one of us is, the best thing to do is smile politely and possibly nod, based on how you assess the situation. And if things don’t go your way, we recommend running away to Switzerland, changing your name, and hiding in a mountain cave. But all jokes aside, just relax. The worst that could happen is some awkward eye contact. Everyone truly just comes in peace — most of the time, at least.
Sincerely,
Edgemont Advice