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  • Gianna Porco

Edgemont's Royal Decree: ft Lanyards

Dear Edgemont subjects, 

The administration has put forth a decree to protect the subjects of Edgemont Jr./Sr. High School from intruders by demanding that all students, staff, and everyone in between to wear a lanyard around their neck. Does this lanyard protect the good people of Edgemont from harm because it provides a protective shield from evildoers' paraphernalia? No. Does it

bestow a cloak of invisibility over us so intruders can’t see us? No. 

In fact, these magical lanyards are nothing more than a piece of plastic laminating Edgemont students and staff’s ever-important ID cards. If a student or staff member were to lose their ID in the olden days, there would be minimal punishment. Now, if an Edgemontian were to lose his or her magical lanyard, it should be off with his or her head! Just kidding! Instead, whoever forgets their invisibility cloak of armor, or worse, loses it, must wear the sticker of shame like a true plebeian.

Not only do the lanyards provide students with armor, but they also are a source of self-defense. If someone needs to defend themselves, our new lanyards provide an easily accessible way to disarm people in a non-harmful way. Simply pull the bottom of the lanyard of your aggressor. It will give the wearer of the lanyard the sense they are being choked, and then they will be put into a state of shock when their lanyard falls off their neck because of the cheap buckle attaching it to the back. Even the wearers of these lanyards, though there are few of them, are used to being choked throughout the day by said lanyards because their backpacks sometimes snag them. Unfortunately, this method of self-defense may not work on everyone because some do not wear their magical lanyards of protection. Instead, they carry them in their pockets and rely on others to open the door for them, an act which was supposed to have been banned with the presence of these new gifts received from the administration/nobility. 

REPORT: Neck rashes have broken out across campus due to itchy lanyards. 

While the new presents have magical powers and other perks, they also have some negatives. Having to wear our suits of armor all day results in itchy necks. Because of this, some have resorted to just holding their lanyards in their hands, and others have never even worn their lanyards around their necks in the first place. These practices create an issue for the purpose and effectiveness of the lanyards. If no one is wearing them, what is the point?

Edgemont is a small kingdom, so any decree sent out should have that in mind. Our new lanyards/armor are to help identify citizens and intruders coming in and out of Edgemont, but most folk already recognize each other. Now if the indigenous don't even wear their lanyards with pride, it is hard to identify intruders. Many have started to shed their protective coats of armor to wear a lovely visitor sticker instead, which has not been helping the effectiveness of the decree. On a separate note, it should be duly noted that anyone who does not have a sticker or lanyard is banned from entering buildings at Edgemont.

Another downside to these lanyards is their appearance. Unfortunately, not all armor can be both effective and attractive. In this case, it's neither. Old lanyards used to be reserved just for those with their own carriages: the juniors and seniors. Now, everyone has a lanyard! Old lanyards were not used as a means of protection, but for ‘style.’ The new lanyards are used to hold ID cards instead of keys. New lanyards are also not as appealing to the eye and reserved for the elites as they used to be. Old lanyards had “class of __” embroidered so that elites could clearly demonstrate their high status. The word has been spread that the elite classes will be able to receive lanyards both for protective use and stylistic transportation purposes, but this decree would have to first be approved by the nobility. 

It is unknown how long this decree will last, how effective it will be, and how citizens truly feel about it. For now, all Edgemont subjects can do is at least somewhat comply with the new law and try to stay as safe and protected as possible. 


Your fellow royal subject 


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