Ah, the first day of high school. A rite of passage that makes the bravest among us quake in our Velcro sneakers. But fear not, for we will impart to you the most foolproof, infallible guide on how to survive your inaugural journey in high school.
Lunchroom Strategy: The lunchroom is a battlefield. Stake out your territory by glowering at anyone who dares to sit at your table. Rule the school early on by loudly declaring your food allergies, preferably ones that are entirely made up.
Rapid-Fire Greetings: Greet every person you meet with an elaborate secret handshake, and follow that with a three-part harmony of “Happy Birthday” in their honor. Friend or foe, it doesn’t matter; you’re establishing dominance through bewildering friendliness.
Social Media Status: Document every moment of your high school journey on social media. Use dramatic filters and cryptic song lyrics to ensure everyone knows just how profound your teenage angst is.
Locker Artistry: Make sure you have the coolest looking locker in your building! It’s your mini art gallery, and it should blind anyone who dares to gaze upon it. Your locker should put all the artwork and murals of the C building to shame.
Extracurricular Overload: Sign up for every club, sport, and activity possible. DECA, soccer, Builder’s Club, the possibilities are endless. Don’t forget, you’re going for the “Well-Rounded Overachiever” award. Sleep is for the weak, right? Your goal is to be perpetually exhausted.
Cut Class Like a Pro: Cutting class is a true art form. Develop an intricate system of escape routes and secret hiding spots around the school. Bonus points if you sneak out during your monthly fire drill! Remember to wear a cheap disguise and speak in a fake accent when sneaking past the principal’s office.
The Perfect Backpack: The size of your backpack should be inversely proportional to your body size. If you are able to close the zips easily, you are doing it wrong. Fill your bag with color-coded notebooks, binders, and folders so that when you open it, everything falls out. Your back should ache every single day from the burdensome weight you carry, but at least it’s becoming stronger! Also, make sure you have the most expensive stationery to round out your perfect backpack, even if you use your Macbook for class notes.
Doodle Endlessly: Doodles are a critical part of your high school experience. You will find yourself doodling in practically all of your classes as you listen to your teachers' endless droning about the Quadratic Formula or the English Civil War. Make sure your doodles mean something. They have to tell a story. Your story. By the end of the year, you should be able to look back at your doodles and relive your high school memories. In fact, your notebook should look better than the AP Art Portfolio you will be sending to College Board.
Overachiever: Make sure to take the hardest classes, regardless of your interests or time. After all, your personal happiness is not nearly as important as the rigor of your classes. Who cares about your mental health as long as you get all A’s?
Draft Your College Essay: Don’t forget about college essays. There is no such thing as too soon. Wherever you are, no matter the time, you should always be thinking about your Common App. The time for fun and games is over, and the time for work has just begun.
Teacher’s Pet: It's not enough to get all A’s. You also have to suck up to your teachers in whatever way possible to potentially secure those prized recommendation letters down the line, as well as that perfect Progress Report comment. Whenever your teacher needs help, make sure to be there because you care…. about your future.
If you follow this comprehensive guide, I am sure your high school experience will be the best that it can possibly be. Remember, this time of your life is a surreal stage for teenage theatrics, and with these tips, you’ll be the star of the show. Just be sure to avoid any actual danger and maintain a shred of common sense amidst the chaos!