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  • Writer's pictureMarisa Niedzielska

Merlini Satire

On a recent archaeological dig at Edgemont High School, I found an unreleased email from Ms. Merlini to the Edgemont student body. This transcript has been declassified by the administration, and I have been given permission to release it here:

Hi all,

I am very disappointed in all of you, especially students in Respectus. I sent an email last week letting everyone know about the picture retake day for Yearbook. However, no one showed up, so I will give you a second chance.

If you want a picture retake, you must come to the back of the gym during the transition period, your lunch period, or third period from 10:45-10:49. Additionally, Lors will only be available to take pictures every other day that it is sunny, so please make sure you schedule accordingly.

This is not a difficult task, and I expect everyone to have at least one good picture this year. Faculty, this includes you too. In previous years, we have had very poor participation in faculty photos. As a result, our yearbook only got a bronze award last year. This year, I am aiming for gold.

Yearbooks are also for sale right now. This is the pre-season extra large discount sale, and until 8:46 tomorrow morning, the yearbook will only cost $150 per page, as opposed to the usual $500,000,000. I know this may not seem so low, but the more people who buy yearbooks, the cheaper they will become. Please buy a yearbook.

Parents, please send me pictures of your child. Because of these unprecedented times, the yearbook does not have pictures of clubs, sports, spirit week, chorus, band, and the play. Therefore, I need pictures of your child. Please email me pictures of your child playing his or her sport, singing, playing his or her instrument, participating in his or her online classes, and your child acting in the virtual play.

Seniors, I have tried to help your class, but I am the only one putting in any effort. I tried to sell glass cups to fundraise for your prom. The Class of 2021 did not purchase a single one, and the only glass sold was to a seventh grader who was clueless and pressured into buying one. I also tried to organize a virtual talent show for you. Because this class is so lazy, disorganized, and has no motivation, only three people volunteered to participate in this virtual talent show, so I had to cancel it. I am sick of sending emails and notifications that none of you respond to.

The following is for Respectus members only. If you are not Respectus please do not read further.

Respectus members: WHY IS NO ONE ATTENDING MEETINGS ANYMORE. THIS BEHAVIOR IS INEXCUSABLE. If you would like to leave the club, email me and I will remove you from the yearbook, but attendance is mandatory.

I understand that last year, the only people who knew how to make a yearbook graduated. However, this is no excuse for the poor behavior for this year’s yearbook..

Also, if anyone is still in contact with Olga, tell her I will pay her to come back and help us with this yearbook. I don’t know what we did before her, and it is clear that we cannot continue with the Edgemont yearbook without her.

Michele Merlini

STEAM 8- Project Lead the Way


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