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  • Writer's pictureJennifer Bortner

Presidential Debate Satire

After watching the presidential debates, I am sure everyone is asking the same question: what would happen if the presidential candidates debated issues at Edgemont? Well, you’re in luck, since we decided to call the candidates up to hear their thoughts about hybrid learning!

Moderator: Good evening, and welcome to the Edgemont Presidential Debates. Today, we will be discussing the most pressing hybrid issues at EHS. To start off, what is your plan to better microphone usage for teachers reaching students online?

President Trump: I will tell you very simply. And I will tell you that you know I have the loudest voice, I guess as people-- some people--would call it. I am the least quiet person in this room-- I can’t even see who is in the audience---but it doesn’t matter. You know it’s just that if you don’t speak up you just won’t be heard-- I am, I have been told, I am the loudest speaker. I have never had a problem with the mics, I think they’re top notch, and I’ve been congratulated by many schools on what we’ve been able to do. We have the new mics, we have stronger wi-fi-- much stronger than in Joe’s 47 years, might I add. Top, good in every way, you could never have done this Joe. So I think we’re doing a fantastic job. A truly fantastic job.

Moderator: Former Vice President Biden, your response.

Former Vice President Biden: Simply not true. You need to be able to, for example, you need to be in a position where you can talk at normal volume and know what the other person is saying. You need to be able to hear remotely. You need to be able to provide all the resources that are needed to do this. And by the way, according to what you’re saying, not that many of us are going to be heard, so we shouldn’t worry about it. Come on. How can we not worry about it?

Moderator: Thank you. For this next question we’ll begin with you Vice President Biden. What is your opinion on students saying goodbye while leaving Google Meets?

Former Vice President Biden: Hundreds of thousands of goodbyes at the end of a call. You hear nothing else at the end. Anyone responsible for that much noise should not remain as president. We’re in a situation where it is almost impossible to ask questions at the end of a call. Impossible. And there is a lot of confusion with this new system. People have questions and it is time we have a president that recognizes that confusion. It is fine for people to type it into the chat-- but all this noise at the end of a call is unbearable. Come on, we got to do something about this.

Moderator: President Trump, your response.

President Trump: Well, let me respond. Joe got $10 million from keyboards and it came through Zoom, because he was very friendly with the former CEO of Zoom. And you got $10 million. And someday you’re going to have to explain, why did you get ten million? I never got any money from Zoom. I don’t get money from Zoom. And you wonder why he doesn’t want to use Google Meets? I think very fine people say goodbyes at the end of a meeting-- very fine people. But you know, Joe-- why won’t you tell us about the Zoom money?

Moderator: Thank you President Trump, but we are moving on to our final -- and I would say most important -- question of the night. In one sentence, tell us what your current skin care routine is and why it is best.

President Trump: Soap. All of the soap, the soap, the incredible soap, and water. People say I have the best skin and I would say definitely better than Joe or Hillary.

Moderator: Former Vice President Biden, your routine.

Former Vice President Biden: I want to make sure it’s totally transparent. Have dermatologists see it, go through all the processes. I use a lotion-- I’m forgetting the name of it-- but the point is I take care of my skin as smoothly as the way I would like to take care of our country.

Moderator: All right Edegemont, you heard it here first. Thank you all for joining us and have a good night.


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