Welcome to Procrastination Station, where we tell you all there is to know about procrastination. In essence, our job is to reassure you that the essay you’re starting at 10:53 P.M. will get done, and no, don’t feel guilty about it.
Of course, we don’t expect you to take our word at face value, so here are our credentials:
All of us have written an essay “the morning of.”
All of us have submitted an assignment due at 11:59 P.M., at 11:59 P.M.
All of us have missed the deadline for Turnitin and had to send an email to a teacher asking them to reopen it.
All of us have submitted our AP and PSAT checks on the last day
One of us even sprinted across campus to catch Mrs. Merlini as she exited the E Building to hand in a DECA check for another author of this paper (Said author did not repay the co-author until 3 weeks later).
All of us have a notorious history of 4 A.M. “You up?” texts to edit papers and make Quizlets
One of us has been called “the laziest student they’ve ever had to teach!”
I hope you trust us now and we beg our teachers for forgiveness. Let’s move on!
What is Procrastination?
According to the Oxford Dictionary, procrastination is the art of delaying or postponing something. Truthfully, they refer to it as an action, rather than an art, but we, the authors of this intellectually sound, and eloquent piece of writing, feel strongly that procrastination requires considerable skill and an eye for detail.
Furthermore, according to the typical Edgemont student, procrastination is a practice many students have grown accustomed to using. While we are often taught to better our “time management” skills, if it came down to a popular vote, we are fairly certain that the Edgemont student body would appoint “procrastination” as the official means of completing assignments.
It’s a Time Saver!
We’ve all heard that centuries-old phrase, “If you wait until the last hour, it only takes an hour!” Well, guess what, it’s true! According to three experts in the field of procrastination (AKA us), a five-hour assignment can always be completed in the time between when you begin and the deadline.
Perhaps you’re one of those people who likes to open a doc, write a word or two, and pretend this time you’re going to spend a lot of time on it. Honestly, the writing starts when the brain starts, and let’s be real, if you’re a procrastinator, those few words four days before the deadline will never have any relevance to your end product. Hence, the following time saver: there’s no need to waste time prepping a doc and “brainstorming,” when you can just wait until the last hour and do it all then.
Gain Close Friendships
Procrastination is the gateway for the best group chats to emerge! There is kinship in your shared trauma and stress, which opens up the possibility for new friendships that last forever (because procrastination is a lifestyle, not a choice). After all, procrastination is the foundation for having like-minded friends and people in your life. There is something just so soothing and relieving about knowing people just as lazy as you are, or even more. So, the next time you think you’re the only one starting your essay at 10:43 P.M. when it’s due at 11:59 P.M., just post on your Snapchat story, and you’ll find friendships in a wide variety of people.
REWARDS
Every hour of procrastination deserves a reward! Whether it’s buying stationery, restocking your closet with a fresh set of every product, or simply buying anything and everything you stumble across on Temu, it’s all worth it! You may even get a headstart on your gift for Secret Santa and holiday shopping because it’s never too early to stock up on Santa hats for your local Christmas party! Additionally, things are designed so that you can procrastinate – why else does WESEF issue a $100 extension for your science scholars research paper? It’s so that you can enjoy the liberties and freedom of procrastinating for another month!
Coffee Grind
There’s no way to better enjoy the thrill of procrastination if not for the delicious instant coffee from Trader Joe’s! Spend those procrastinating hours mastering how to make recipes from dollar-store ingredients to ensure that you’re well-fueled during those late-night hours. Procrastinating can make you a coffee connoisseur overnight!
More Creative!
As esteemed essayist, computer scientist, and venture capitalist, Paul Graham once said: “A good writer doesn't just think, and then write down what he thought, as a sort of transcript. A good writer will almost always discover new things in the process of writing.” By allowing yourself to become immersed in this creative process, you ensure innovative and original ideas. Putting yourself in a time crunch limits your ability to overthink and channel this time into coming up with more useful ideas, or ways to make your writing process go faster. Under increased pressure, you retain the ability to foster creativity faster, as the subconscious voice somehow enforces all of the semi-comprehendible thoughts onto paper. Put simply, the combined forces of less time and a higher creativity rate create the perfect equation for the most optimal output!
Peer Editing
As Ms. Dardis would call it, there’s no fun in writing and procrastinating without having a “Doc party” – a group of people simultaneously on your doc, filling up comment threads and suggestions. It's truly a new social media platform, revolutionizing the discovery of Google Doc texting. A Doc Party is all fun and games until your document is filled with 100 pages of meaningless and obscure Google emojis and comments! Don’t forget to submit a copy so your teacher will think twice before encouraging a session of those midnight delirious comments when you can’t think of the right word to tell your friend his or her writing makes no sense.
Bragging Rights
I mean, why do we do anything in life? It’s for one of two reasons; validation and bragging rights, and let’s be real, validation comes from those bragging rights. What could be better than the grin of satisfaction when you find out that once again, you’re passing a class with flying colors, regardless of the time you began your assignment. Perhaps, if one were to be failing, this lifestyle might be one in need of change, but even then, surely it isn’t the fault of your procrastination. The assignment was clearly way too difficult, and your teacher must have been in a bad mood while grading. So, keep on bragging and justifying-- we support it!
Enriching Your Vocabulary
Everyone wants to use fancy words in their papers and blow away their teachers with their immense grasp of the English language, but to be quite honest, the majority of us are getting those words from “synonyms for…” searches. But not if you’re a procrastinator! Procrastinators don’t have the time to be scouring the web for ideal word choices and tiny grammatical adjustments. So, over time, a procrastinator’s vocabulary really does expand because he or she will not even have the luxury to rely on such internet-based shortcuts.
Self Gaslighting
Gaslighting: When reality may or may not get meticulously shaped to benefit the outcome that you know you deserve. According to us procrastination experts, gaslighting is the most efficient motivation tool a student could need. Why would you subject yourself to the misery of countless hours of work when you can convince yourself that you can write a 5-page paper in 1 hour?
New Year's Resolutions!
It’s the perfect cop-out when everyone’s asking what your New Year’s resolution is! Obviously, you’re not going to change who you are, and no one could possibly expect that of you, but it’s completely acceptable to plan to improve your “time management skills.” After all, everyone could always improve how they manage that last hour before the essay is due. Perhaps instead of beginning at 10:47 P.M. and then intermittently texting for a sum of 17 minutes, you might only intermittently text for 12 minutes. We, the experts, feel that this is a perfectly adequate and impressive exhibit of self-improvement, self-control, and time management!
Real Life
Unfortunately for all of you wonderful readers, our deadline is hastily approaching (3 minutes and 12 seconds according to Google) so it’s just about time to wrap up. Here are your takeaways;
Procrastination is a good thing, no matter how much people try to brainwash you!
Procrastination makes you creative, increases your vocabulary, teaches you to work under pressure, and prepares you for the real world!
Procrastination can go on your resume if you frame it right!
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with waiting until the last minute. After all, it’ll only take a minute.
Edgemont’s three Procrastination Experts, signing off! We’ll be back next time with some more last-minute articles (that is if we get them done in time)!