Welcome back to Edgemont Advice, starring your favorite advice columnists Haarrathi and Kaushambi. We asked real students to send us their problems from around campus so that we could provide our wise insight on them. Disclaimer: These are not serious situations, and all of our advice is in good fun and not to be taken seriously. Please, don’t. And yes, these were all real responses we received from our survey.
Dear Edgemont Advice,
What do I do if when I pledge allegiance to the flag every morning, I can feel the spirits of my American ancestors upon me? The soul of George Washington himself flows through my veins. Benjamin Franklin calls me to his humble abode. Thomas Jefferson sends pins and needles through my skin. I am the secret eighth founding father. I signed the Declaration of Independence. I built this country.
Sincerely,
Pathologically Patriotic
Dear Pathologically Patriotic,
Well, this is an interesting problem you have here. From what we understand, you feel an overwhelming sense of patriotism every day when we do the Pledge of Allegiance. While it must be intense to feel the very presence of men we only remember from 7th grade social studies, sadly there is nothing we can do to stop it. However, we recommend that you sign up for morning announcements so that you can channel this spiritual experience to your fellow peers and proclaim your identity to the world. You could bring a new flair and passion to the pledge. Although we are not completely sure about the details of your contribution to our Declaration of Independence, we’re sure the history department would be thrilled to hear your good news. Thank you for building the foundation upon which we stand today, founding father.
Good luck,
Edgemont Advice
Dear Edgemont Advice,
I have dismal college applications...how do I get into college?
Sincerely,
Basically Everyone
Dear Basically Everyone,
Ah yes, life’s deepest question. There is no one answer. Like Shrek, your inquiry contains many layers. But even though we are freshmen, we’ve learned a thing or two. The biggest rule of getting into college is that you are not allowed to have a life. Want to go out with your friends? Nope, you should study instead! Don’t have anything to study for? Stop right there because you are in denial. Next, pretend you have a bunch of interests. Talk about your hobbies, like crocheting, crocodile hunting, and speed-eating a bag of chips. Make sure to max out your stats so you don’t have a single free second left in the day. If you remember the speech in 9th grade when picking AP/Honors classes, teachers constantly mention not to give up your passions and only do work. But you must pick your passions accordingly. You see, if your passion is curing cancer — sorry, looks like 100 other applicants have the same one! However, if your passion happens to be interpretive dance set to classical music, and it has changed your life and made an impact on the community, say hello to Harvard! See, it’s a foolproof plan. If all else fails, consider sending in an alternate application — like a capcut edit of yourself with dramatic effects and intense music! They will definitely take you. But in the end, remember — much like the poster in A7 — “Just because you're unique, doesn’t mean you're useful.” So make sure they think you are.
Good luck,
Edgemont Advice
Dear Edgemont Advice,
Every day, there is this one 7th grader that says hi to me and knows my name! But I have no idea who it is, and I’m too nervous to ask his or her name because too much time has elapsed since the first day that student started talking to me. It’s kind of awkward and uncomfortable to see this one kid, so what should I do? Should I change my route to my classes?
Sincerely,
Am I Being Stalked?
Dear Am I Being Stalked?,
It all depends on what grade you're in.
8th: There are infinite ways this 7th grader probably knows you. You will easily be able to figure out their name by asking other people you know or even other seventh graders who know this person. You probably played tag with them at recess when you were seven at Greenville or Seely. Or maybe even last week, considering how much you all run around the center of campus.
9th and 10th: You're not old enough to be completely superior to them, but you're not young enough to know their friends. You also probably think you are so much cooler than him or her. But are you really? Your best bet (Since quarter 3 is coming up) is to pretend you switched electives and have a different class, meaning you have to take a different route. Unless the kid knows your schedule (in which case you are definitely being stalked) this should work. Also, get a bunch of your friends to walk with you and pretend you don’t hear that student’s voice.
11th: So if you're in eleventh grade, you’re at a slight advantage. The seventh grader probably looks up to you and thinks you're really cool and wants to look cool in front of his or her own friends. Be their wingperson here. Say, “Hey, wassup!” or “Nice rolly backpack!” in front of their friends. The kid will secretly idolize you and help cheer you up during your junior year depression era.
12th: You don’t need to know this person. They probably wave at you because they want to look cool by knowing a senior. You have every right to ignore them. You are done here at this school, and crawling through the days until you graduate. Or maybe you can be nice like the juniors and help the child get a clue! It's up to you.
Good luck,
Edgemont Advice
Dear Edgemont Advice,
How do I improve my grades and overall life even though I procrastinate all day and sit in front of my computer staring at Google Classroom?
Sincerely,
Zoned Out
Dear Zoned Out,
This may be our only serious response, but the key here is baby steps. We all know that after 6 minutes of “studying,” you start scrolling through your phone. Instead of pretending that you're not addicted, we recommend watching aesthetic study videos. This will make you feel bad about your life or inspire you, and either way. you will be motivated. The next step is to put a limit on screen time for social media, starting with 4 hours a day.
And when the option comes up to “ignore limit for today”, use every ounce of willpower in your body to close the app. It might be the hardest thing you ever do, but we believe in you. Then, make a good study playlist and start studying! Something that works for us is pomodoro timers, so that we can have a nice break after studying for a while. And if all of this didn’t motivate you, then here’s one last approach: don’t worry too much, because we’ve currently been sitting staring at our computers for a good hour before we worked up the energy to write this.
Good luck,
Edgemont Advice
Dear Edgemont Advice,
My essay has to be 8 pages but I only have 5. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Under the Word Count
Dear Under the Word Count,
We’ve all been here before. It’s 11:45 pm, and we have no idea how to fill up three blank pages worth of words before 11:59. Our advice is a little strategy called the word salad. Just keep adding words. Take out “therefore” and write, “to conclude this thought”, Repeating your ideas in different ways also works! Why express a thought in three words when you can use one hundred and seventy three?
“The main character projects different emotions from what they are feeling inside.”
“The wonderful protagonist of this luscious novel has an ongoing internal conflict within their head. He or she expresses multiple different emotions contrary to their internal thoughts and what he or she explicitly perceives in their minds. The personage’s ever-growing identities are not portrayed in the same way, which the people around him or her can see.”
Please consider this, and trust me, your word count will quadruple. However, this is a last-minute solution. If you have time and truly can’t get your word count up, consider finding more details for your essay because your teachers will likely see straight through the fluff.
Good luck,
Edgemont Advice
That’s it for Edgemont Advice this month. Be sure to look for the next edition! If you want one of your dilemmas in our column, consider filling out the form we send out a few weeks prior. Remember, all responses are anonymous, and all advice is — mostly — fake!